I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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