can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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