Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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