i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
