There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
