I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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