I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
