mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Randomize
