Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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