my mouth tastes like poor choices
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
