3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
