He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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