Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
