The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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