I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
