i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
