Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
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