So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
