My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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