Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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