Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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