Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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