Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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