Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
