i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
