that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
