I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
