2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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