i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
