someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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