I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
