Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
