my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
