I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
