I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
