i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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