I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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