i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
