she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
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