im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I love you.
Bad choice
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
