dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Did you pee in the oven last night??
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
