i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
