I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
