also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
