I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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