that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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