I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
