I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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