I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Randomize
