my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
