Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
