I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
