I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
